1. "This is true, according to a new report, I was reading this today in the paper, thousands of pregnant mothers in this country are planning to name their baby Barack. That's true. Yeah, after hearing this, Sarah Palin told Bristol, 'Don't even think about it.'" --Conan O'Brien
2. "Barack and Michelle Obama are looking for a church in Washington to attend. Apparently, the Obamas ask every prospective pastor the same question: 'Have you ever been videotaped screaming 'God damn America!'?" --Conan O'Brien
3. "Alaska seems to have re-elected Senator Ted Stevens, who is 84 and going to prison. What is up with Alaska? I have a feeling, when a moose gets shot up there, his last thought is, 'I can't believe I'm losing to these a**holes'" --Bill Maher
4. "Sarah Palin is all over the news lately. She told Matt Lauer on the 'Today' show that, yes, the rumors were true, on election night she did want to deliver her own concession speech and she was disappointed that she couldn't. Well, she shouldn't feel bad. Wait till 2012. Deliver it then." --Jay Leno
5. "Barack Obama is being very deferential to President Bush. Obama said last week, 'The United States can only have one president.' To which Bush said, 'Hey, that's not what Cheney told me." --Jay Leno
6. "As you know, President-elect Obama promised his daughters a puppy if they move to the White House. And he's already getting advice on what the best breed of dog to get. For example, today, President Clinton told him the Oval Office is a great place for a husky female." --Jay Leno
7. "And in his first public comment since he got caught with an underage male intern, former Congressman Mark Foley said today there's a huge difference between hitting on pre-pubescent boys and sending dirty text messages to 17-year-old young men. And as soon as he can figure out what the difference is, he'll let us know." --Jay Leno
8. Some political analysts are saying the 1980s sitcom The Cosby Show helped Obama get elected because it portrayed a black family in a positive light. They also say Obama would have been elected 10 years ago if it weren't for Flavor Flav." --Conan O'Brien
9. "Now that Barack Obama has been elected president, producers in Hollywood say they think America is now ready for a black James Bond and a black Wonder Woman. Isn't that cool? Yeah, hell, America may even be ready for a black Michael Jackson." --Conan O'Brien
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