1. "It was reported today that the machine on board the International Space Station that turns urine into drinking water has been fixed. After hearing this, an astronaut said, 'Wait. You mean that wasn't lemon Tang?'" --Conan O'Brien
2. "And this is true, the Big Three automakers are now talking about driving back to Washington in December. Remember the big uproar last week when they all flew to Washington in private jets? Well, now they're going to carpool. No, this is true. And to make sure there aren't any problems, they're driving a Toyota." --Jay Leno
3. "A lot of people have forgotten about President Bush, but this transitional period is a busy time for President Bush as well. He's busy granting pardons. Today, he pardoned Sarah Palin for her interview with Katie Couric." --David Letterman
4. "Yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama announced his new economic team. You know what he should do? Hire those people who were in charge of his fundraising campaign. We can pay this thing off in like a week." --Jay Leno
5. "Earlier today, John McCain was in the news. John McCain gave his first press conference since the election. And he said, 'For a lot of people, Sarah Palin was an energizing factor during the campaign.' Unfortunately for McCain, those people are called Democrats." --Conan O'Brien
6. "Everyone's talking about the American auto industry right now. A new study just came out and found that the Ford Motor Company makes the cars with the highest safety rating. Of all the cars, yeah. Yeah, apparently, Ford cars are so safe because they never leave the dealer's lot." --Conan O'Brien
7. "Now, because of the recent controversy, AIG, remember they got the big bailout, AIG? Well, they're now paying their CEO a salary, $1 a year. How many think that's fair? Yeah? How many still think he's overpaid? No, that's pretty good. I think that's a nice gesture, having the CEO work for just $1 a year. Oh, he'll still get his $300 million bonus, but the salary will be $1." --Jay Leno
8. "Sarah Palin. Remember Sarah Palin? She is adorable. She is back on the campaign trail. Really. She's going to campaign in the Senate runoff in Georgia. As soon as she finds out where Georgia is." --Craig Ferguson
9. "In political news, it looks like Hillary Clinton accepted Barack Obama's offer to be secretary of state. Very exciting. She accepted after Barack Obama's vetting process could not find any link between her and Bill Clinton." --Jay Leno
10. "It looks like the government is going to bail out CitiGroup, yet they don't want to bail out the auto companies. See, I don't think this is fair. I mean, blue collar guys who make our cars, they don't get the bailout. But the white collar guys on Wall Street, they get the bailout. You know what I think we should do? I think they should work together. I think the guys in Detroit should keep making the cars, and the guys on Wall Street should be making the license plates. See what I'm saying?" --Jay Leno
11. David Letterman's Top 10 Sarah Palin Excuses For the Turkey Slaughter
10. I can see Russia, but I can't see what's going on 5 feet behind me
9. Not thinking straight after spending all night reading every newspaper and magazine
8. Damn "gotcha" media got me again!
7. My Remington shotgun says I don't need an excuse
6. Those were Al Qaeda turkeys
5. I thought they were just toruting the little guy
4. I mean, doggonit, you know, like we have to lower taxes, and like, it all falls under job security, and we need to drill, you know?
3. Uh, stomach flu?
2. I'll get right back to ya! I'm still adorable, America
1. Don't blame me! Blame Joe the Turkey Slaughterer
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